Lost Inside
by Rosewhisker41622
Summary: Post S5E8. JT takes up on a nasty habit in order to handle the stress after the whole Liberty situation. Will anyone notice that he’s not the same?TRIGGER WARNING : SELF HARM AND SUICIDE REFERENCES
1. Lost Inside

**Chapter 1 - Lost Inside**

JT's POV

I have a problem.

You may look at me and say, you're JT Yorke, you've got a beautiful girlfriend, great friends, and a good family. You're the funniest guy in school, and you're pretty cute too.

Well, I can tell you what's wrong with each of those statements.

My girlfriend, Liberty, isn't even my girlfriend anymore. I fucked up big time on that one. She got pregnant, and her family blamed it on me, like it doesn't take two to get pregnant. At first I wanted to give it up for adoption, but I realized I wanted to keep it. We could be a family. So I got two jobs so we could have an apartment, but it wasn't enough. This guy named Jay who got expelled from Degrassi got me to sell drugs, and when Liberty found out she was pissed. I tried to get the money back, but Jay refused. I didn't know what to do at this point, I pushed everyone away, I fucked up pretty badly. So I took pills, I took them like I had no choice. I woke up in the hospital, and Liberty found out I tried to kill myself and broke up with me, and said she was putting the baby up for adoption.

And now she won't talk to me, and she wants nothing to do with me anymore.

And as for my friends, Emma and Manny don't really talk to me anymore, Paige and Spinner are too busy with senior stuff, and Sean isn't even in Toronto anymore. The only one I had left was Toby, my best friend of all time, one of the closest people to me. But guess what? I ruined that too. I pushed him away, and he had enough so he told me to stay away from him. I'm pretty sure he has no idea that I even sold drugs, I know Liberty won't tell anyone. I lost him too. I don't know if he'll even want to talk to me anymore, this was probably the last straw in our friendship. I've done stupid stuff to hurt him in the past too, and he's forgiven me every time, but now...

And about my family? My dad walked out on me and my mom when I was a baby, and my mom left me with my grandma. She used to visit a lot, but it's become less frequent, twice s month if we're lucky. My grandma can't even look me in the eyes anymore after what happened. She's barely home anyways.

You may see me as this funny, happy guy, but I'm not anymore. Now I'm just hollow.

But that's not all.

I swear, this started as an accident, but now I want more. You may think this is wrong, and I know it is, but it feels so good.

I guess I should explain. We had this stupid project in science where we had to use scissors, and I accidentally cut my finger with them. It hurt, but somehow it felt good. It felt like stress was melting away. I didn't understand, how could cutting my own skin make me feel better? I washed the blood off and put a bandaid over it, but I couldn't help but think about how it felt. I shook my head and promised myself it wouldn't happen again.

But after another bad day at school, I couldn't help but think back to the feeling. I thought to myself, why not try it again to see if it works? So I got a knife, and placed it on my upper arm. I gently moved it across, but realized that wasn't enough and pressed down deeper, it bled, and I watched the blood fall down in the mirror. It was almost if the blood was taking away my problems. It hurt, but I didn't care. I'll replace my emotional pain with physical pain. Then I realized how wrong this was, and I decided not to start doing this.

But one bad day became another, one cut become two, and two turned to three. By this point, it had been a few days and my wrists had five or six cuts on them, and my legs had two or three. I realized I couldn't stop, but part of me didn't want too. Why stop, if it felt good.

So now I'm wearing long sleeves all the time, and no one questions me. I'm always pulling down my sleeves, and luckily no one notices. Not that anyone would care, right?

And now, I know it's a problem, but I can't stop. It's like an addiction. I now have a razor blade tucked away in my top drawer, and after a bad day that's my only friend. I lost Liberty, I lost Toby, I lost everyone.

I lost myself.

I'm no longer happy, I'm just a shell of who I once was. Yes I'm smiling, but inside I feel like I'm slowly dying. I'm done trying. I can't fix myself.

I'm lost inside.

—————————————————————

A/N : I'm not even going to lie, I cried writing this. I'm gonna cry writing this whole story. Remember guys, self harm isn't beautiful and it's a real problem, don't ever start because once you do it's hard to stop.


	2. Waves

**Chapter 2 - Waves**

JT's POV

Today's just going to be another terrible day, I've stopped hoping that it's gonna get better. Because it won't. Liberty's still gonna hate me, and so is Toby. I walk in the school and sit down on the bench next to the glass window, and put my head down. I'm just waiting for class to start so I can get this day over with. Good thing I always carry my blade around just in case something even worse happens.

"Hey, JT." A voice says from next to me. I'd recognize that voice from anywhere. Toby.

I look at him, no emotion in my eyes. When the hell did he get here?

"You okay? You look kind of...sad. I know you and Liberty broke up, and she wants to but the baby up for adoption, so I'm sorry about that. Are we still friends?" He still wants to best friends after all this shit?

"If you want too, then yes." I smile, and for the first time in a week, it's a real one. I want to tell him everything that happened, but I'm scared I'd lose him after just having him back again.

"I'm sorry about what I said, Tobes. I didn't mean it, I was just..." I trailed off, not wanting to recall that terrible day. That day my world turned around.

"Don't worry about it. Speaking of which, what happened after that? You weren't in school for a few days, and then when you came back, you seemed...different. Liberty told me you guys broke up, but she didn't tell me why. So what happened?" Normally I would tell him everything, but this? And risk losing him again? No.

"We just couldn't agree on anything. So she decided to dump me and put the baby up for adoption." It's the half way truth, so it's good enough.

"Um...okay." He knows me, he can tell when I'm lying, but I don't care. I lean forward and hug him, and don't realize that I did that until it's done. Shit. This probably seems really weird. He doesn't hug back at first, but he slowly wraps his arms around my back. I mean, we've hugged before, but this probably seems weird since it's out of no where.

"Thanks for...coming back." I say after I break the hug.

"Why would I? You're my best friend. You could throw a knife at me and I'd still be best friends with you." We both laugh, and then the bell rings for class. I feel better now that I have my best friend back. Maybe today won't be so terrible.

As soon as I think that, I accidentally knock my bag over when I get up. A few things fall out of it, and I'm hoping my razor blade didn't fall out with them.

I bend down and start putting the stuff back, and Toby does too, but then he stops and picks up something, and it doesn't take me a second to realize it's the blade.

"What's this?" He looks at me in confusion, then looks at the blade again. He probably notices the dry blood on it.

"Oh, I was helping my grandma fix her car, and we needed that, so I guess I accidentally put it in my bag." I'm not a good liar, and he knows that, but that sounds convincing enough. I take the blade from him and put it back in my bag, quickly zipping it up.

"Then why's there dried blood on it?" We both stand up at the same time.

"We should get to class." I try to turn away, but he grabs my arm. I wince out of pain, because I cut there last night.

"Class is the other way. Are you okay?" Damn it, he must have noticed me wince.

"I know that." I try and laugh but it sounds forced. I turn in the other direction and he follows, hopefully he will just drop it.

The rest of the day went by slowly, and soon it was time for gym. I hated that class, because I had to change my clothes. Obviously short sleeves were out of the question, so I decided to just wear a thin long sleeve shirt so no one would get suspicious. I always got there early, so I could change without people noticing my cuts.

I quickly pulled off my shirt, and opened my bag looking for the other one. My cuts were various shades of red, and there were about 12 of them on each arm.

"Hey JT- what the hell?!" I turn around and see Toby walking over to me. I quickly put on my shirt and smile at him.

"Hey Tobes, whats up?" He looks at me like I'm crazy.

"What were those on your arms?" He sounds concerned, but I can get him to drop it.

"What was what? Oh, that was just from went I went on a walk and had to go through some thorn bushes." I hope that sounds convincing. He gives me a look for a minute, but just slowly nods.

"Oh, okay. Let's go then." I can tell he doesn't really believe me, but whatever. Gym goes on as normal, and luckily it's the last period of the day. I don't even bother to change, and just pick up my bag and walk out of the school. I see Liberty standing at the front, and decide to talk to her.

"Hey Liberty." I sadly smile at her, but she rolls her eyes.

"Don't talk to me." She scowls. What else can I do? I've tried to apologize, I've done everything I can. But she still hates me.

"Liberty, please. I'm sorry." I plead, but she gets up and walks closer to me.

"Don't ever talk to me again. I want nothing to do with you. You're a low-life drug dealer. You destroy everything." She shoves me and walks off.

And all of the happiness I felt today just went away. I want to, no, I need to cut. But I can't do it out here, so I just run home. I'm gonna have to shower tonight, so I better do that before I cut or else it'll sting. I learned that the hard way.

So I turn on the shower, and they do slightly sling, but not as much as they would if it was really fresh. I run my fingertips across them, looking back at the scars. What happened to me?

The person that I used to know is gone. Are they ever coming back again?

I get out of the shower and put some clothes on, then grab my blade. I've only been doing this for about a week and a half, but I wish I never started. It's like an addiction. It makes me feel better, but I always regret it because in the long term it just gets worse. The pain won't go away.

I roll up my sleeve and and press the blade to my skin, making the cuts deep. I'm worthless. I'm stupid. I'm a fuck-up. I don't deserve love.

I loved Liberty, and look where that got me. She hates me.

And I watch the blood fall, watching my problems dripping away with it. The sink is now a shade of red, but I'll clean it up later. I don't know how many times I cut, but what I do know is that the relief was soon replaced by physical pain.

I clean up my arms and the sinks, roll my sleeves down and head to bed. And prepare for another day of hell tomorrow.

_There is a swelling storm_

_

And I'm caught up in the middle of it all

And it takes control

Of the person that I thought I was

The boy I used to know

_

_Through the wind_

_

Down to the place we used to lay when we were kids

Memories, of a stolen place

Caught in the silence 

An echo lost in space

_

_It comes and goes in waves_

_

It always does, it always does

We watch as our young hearts fade

Into the flood, into the flood

The freedom, of falling

A feeling I thought was set in stone

It slips through, my fingers

I'm trying hard to let go

It comes and goes in waves

It comes and goes in waves

And carries us away

I watched my wild youth

Disappear in front of my eyes

Moments of magic and wonder

It seems so hard to find

Is it ever coming back again?

Is it ever coming back again?

Take me back to the feeling when

Everything was left to find

It comes and goes in waves

It always does, oh it always does

The freedom, of falling

A feeling I thought was set in stone

It slips through, my fingers

I'm trying hard to let go

It comes and goes in waves

It comes and goes in waves

And carries us away

_


	3. Paralyzed

**Chapter 3 - Paralyzed**

Toby's POV

Something is completely wrong with JT.

He's my best friend, I know him, I know when somethings wrong. Yes, he's smiling, but the light in his eyes is gone. He tried to tell me he's okay, but he's a horrible liar.

And those scars...were they really from a thorn bush? Was the blade really from fixing a car? It just doesn't make since. He must think I'm stupid or something.

Whatever. I guess I'll find out eventually.

JT's POV

Another day of hell. My cuts from last night hurt, but at this point I'm used to it. It calms me down.

I throw on some clothes, long sleeves of course, and walk to school. Toby's waiting at the front entrance today, something he hasn't done since before our fight. Well, at least now we're friends again, so that's one thing to live for.

"Hey." I say, putting on a half fake smile.

"Hey, you okay?" He asks, and obviously I look fine but on the inside I'm dying.

"Yeah, why?" I'm so tired of lying. I just wanna cry for help but I can't. Everything is stuck on the inside and the only thing I can do to relieve this is cut.

"Nothing. I was just-" Before he can finish, someone knocks me to the side on purpose, and I don't even need to look up to realize it's Liberty. She glares at me before walking up the stairs, and I'm there leaning against the rail cause she knocked me a step down. That made an already horrible day even worse.

"What's her problem?" Toby asks as he holds out his hand, and I take it, but I'm shocked at my own feelings when my heart starts beating faster than normal, just because of his touch.

What's wrong with me? We've done all of this before, and I've felt nothing like this! It almost seems like-

"Uh, JT?" I realize I didn't let go of his hand, even when he pulled me up back to the step I was on. Great, now I freaked him out and he's not gonna want to be friends anymore! I'm such an idiot!

"S-sorry!" I try and say but it comes out as a stutter. Damn it!

"It's no big deal dude...are you okay?" He asks, and he sounds concerned. I know he's starting to catch on, but I can't let him find out.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I put on a fake smile and run up the stairs. Luckily the bell rang right then so it doesn't look weird.

"Hey, wait up!" I slow down but I don't completely stop. I can't deal with these thoughts.

The rest of the day goes by at an normal speed, and nothing really interesting happens. That was until lunch. Toby said he was gonna wait for me outside, so that's where I was going, but guess who I had to run into.

"Watch where you're going, you idiot!" Liberty yells. Jeez, it's not my fault you keep showing up everywhere. God, I loved her so much and I tried to give her everything, and this is what I get.

"I'm sorry." I try to walk past her but she steps in front of me. Does she really have to make things worse?

"You're such a coward. What were you thinking, running away from your problems like that! You're so stupid!" She finally walks away, leaving me there.

If only she knew how much I wished those pills had killed me.

I completely forget that I'm supposed to meet Toby outside, and I don't remember until I'm in the bathroom, pulling out my blade. I stood him up again, but I don't care at this point.

I'm horrible friend, I'm a horrible boyfriend, and just a horrible person in general. I'm all alone now, and it's all my fault.

I'm so tired of trying.

I'm not cutting as deep this time, but I'm still cutting deep enough to bleed. It just slowly runs down my wrist since I'm not about to do it in front of the sink, where someone could walk in.

This is the only thing that makes me feel good. There's nothing else left. I lost it all. Maybe I think I want to die, but maybe I just want someone to help. What is there to live for anyways? This is the only thing I have.

I'm lost and it kills me inside. I have no feelings, but self hate and guilt. I'm numb.

"JT? You in here?" Shit. I don't have time to think, so I just wrap some toilet paper around my wrist and roll down my sleeve.

Toby's POV

JT said he'd meet me outside, but he didn't. He just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

So, I look in the first place he'd probably be, the bathroom, and hopefully he's actually in here because I'm starting to really worry about him.

"Y-yeah, I'm in here." He comes out of one of the stalls and smiles, but he doesn't know I can tell by his eyes that he's not okay. I glance down at his arm and notice the sleeve looks thicker than it should.

"What's in your shirt?" I gesture towards the sleeve I'm talking about, and he looks really nervous.

"I guess it's just the way it looks. I'm sorry I was late, but we can go now, right?" He takes another smile, and I'm tired of seeing this.

Just then, I notice a drop of blood come out of his sleeve.

"You're bleeding." I say, and I could've sworn he looks more afraid than I've ever seen him.

"Oh? I must've hit my arm on something. It's just a small cut." He tries to leave, but I grab him by his shoulder.

"Let me see your arm."

"Why? It's just a small cut, no biggie."

"JT."

"I have to go." He runs out of there, and I'm too shocked to chase him.

He's hurting himself, I know. All the signs point to it. And this scares me, because I care about him so much, and I hate seeing him in pain.

When did I become so numb?When did I lose myself?All the words that leave my tongueFeel like they came from someone else

When did I become so cold?When did I become ashamed? (oh)Where's the person that I know?They must have leftThey must have leftWith all my faith

I'm paralyzedWhere are my feelings?I no longer feel thingsI know I shouldI'm paralyzedWhere is the real me?I'm lost and it kills me insideI'm paralyzed

I'm paralyzedI'm scared to live but I'm scared to dieAnd if life is pain then I buried mine a long time agoBut it's still aliveAnd it's taking over me where am I?I wanna feel something, I'm numb insideBut I don't feel nothing, I wonder whyI'm in the race of life and time passed byLook, I sit back and I watch itHands in my pocketsWaves come crashing over me but I just watch 'emI just watch 'emI'm underwater but I feel like I'm on top of itI'm at the bottom and I don't know what the problem isI'm in a boxBut I'm the one who locked me inSuffocating and I'm running out of oxygen


	4. Cut

Chapter 4 - Cut

JT's POV

If Toby didn't know before, he definitely knows now. And then he's definitely not going to talk to me anymore. I'm such an idiot.

I run outside and sit down on the stairs, trying not to cry. He's going to hate me.

Well, not if I never talk to him again, right?

"JT." I don't even need to look to know that's Toby. How the hell did he already get here?

"Go away." I really want him to stay.

"No. We need to talk about this." He sounds concerned, not angry.

"I told you, it's nothing." A lie.

"Then how come you won't let me see your arm?" Damn it.

"I don't have time for this." I get up and walk away, and I know he's going to try and follow me, but I don't care.

"This is serious JT! You're hurting yourself!" He whisper shouts, so no one would hear but me.

"I am not. Leave me alone, Toby." Thank god the bell rings right about then, and we have next class together, but we got separated on the first day, so he's on the opposite side of the room.

There's no way he's going to understand why I do this. Unless I explain it to him, but I don't even understand my own feelings, so how am I supposed to explain it to someone else?

I don't want to die, I just want to feel better. Relief from all my problems comes when the blood falls. It's messed up, I know. But I just can't stop. It's my addiction.

The next classes go by slowly, and finally it's time for gym, the last class before I can get the hell out of here.

Toby tries to talk to me during the whole class, but I ignore him. I didn't even bother to change my shirt so there's no risk there. Hopefully he'll just drop it.

Yeah, it's Toby, he's not gonna drop it.

At the end of the period we go back in the lockers, and all the other guys leave, and it's only me and Toby. Great.

"So, aren't you going to change your shirt?" He asks, and he's waiting for me to tell the truth, but it's not going to happen.

"I'll just wait til later. Bye." I try to leave but he grabs my arm. This time I'm able to bite my lip to stop myself from wincing, but it still does hurt.

"Let go." And of course he doesn't listen. He just rolls up my sleeve without saying a word.

Toby's POV

I've had enough and now I'm seeing for myself. I roll up his sleeve, despite him trying to get away.

And despite knowing what he's doing, it's still shocking to see this.

All along is arm are scars, some are older and some are fresh, like the ones he must've done in the bathroom. Oh my god.

He pulls his arm out of my grip, and when I look at him I see tears in his eyes. I'm trying not to tear up. This hurts more than you could think. What happened?

"JT..." I don't know what to say.

"I told you to leave me alone!" He shouts, before running out. Dammit. He probably thinks I'm mad at him, but of course I'm not. I want to help him. We've always been there for each other and this is no different.

JTs POV

He's gonna hate me.

I run back to my house and shove the door. My grandma isn't home, so I guess I have the house to myself.

I take out my blade and run to the sink, but as I'm about to cut again something is stopping me. Not physically, but mentally.

Come on! Why can't I do it? It makes me feel better!

But this time, it just doesn't feel right. I throw the blade on the floor and start crying instead. I'm just a fuck up.

I'm worthless. I hate myself. It's sick that the only thing that I can feel relief from is making me bleed, but I just can't stop. I may feel better temporarily, but then it all comes back. The pain won't go away.

Just then, someone knocks on the door. I put the blade back in my book bag, wipe my eyes and go answer it. And of course, it's Toby.

"JT. We need to talk about this. I care about you and you need help. I may not understand but I will listen. Why are you doing this to yourself?" And I want to say I'm fine, even though I'm not. I want him to go away, even thought I want him to stay. I want to tell him to leave me alone, even though it's the last thing I want. But I don't do any of these. I just break down and start crying again.

Toby walks in and shuts the door behind him, and then wraps his arms around me in a comforting hug.

I just it's time to tell him what happened. Everything that happened.

_I'm not a stranger_

_

No, I am yours

With crippled anger

And tears that still drip sore

_

_A fragile flame aged_

_

With misery

And when our eyes meet

I know you'll see

_

_I may seem crazy_

_

Or painfully shy

And these scars wouldn't be so hidden

If you would just look me in the eye

I feel alone here and cold here

Though I don't want to die

But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

_

_I do not want to be afraid_

_

I do not want to die inside just to breathe in

I'm tired of feeling so numb

Relief exists I find it when

I am cut

Pain

I am not alone

I am not alone

_

_I'm not a stranger_

_

No, I am yours

With crippled anger

And tears that still drip sore

_

_But I do not want to be afraid_

_

I do not want to die inside just to breathe in

I'm tired of feeling so numb

Relief exists I found it when

I was cut

_


	5. Shattered

**Chapter 5 - Shattered **

JT's POV

I lead Toby down the hall to my room, just in case my grandma comes home early. I close the door and we sat down next to each other, and I sign knowing I have to tell him everything. Will he still care after hearing all this?

"So, why did this start?" He places a hand on my shoulder, and I know he won't judge me but I don't know, I feel like I'm bothering him but I know I'm not. If he doesn't want to be here, he would've left.

"Well, there's a lot you don't know. But you do know, that I got back with Liberty after we broke up. I thought we loved each other, so we decided that we were going to keep the baby. So we decided to get our own place, which resulted in me getting two jobs, one as a worker at the pharmacist. But we needed money, and Jay offered me something, something bad. I didn't tell you what, instead I got mad at you and said things I didn't mean, but here's what really happened. The thing Jay sold me was drugs, okay? I'm not proud of it at all, and I'm sorry. I tried to get my money back, but he wouldn't let me. I felt like I lost everything, and that I couldn't live with my consequences. So I-" My voice breaks and Toby gently squeezes my shoulder, and that calms me down. He's not going to judge me.

"So I took a whole bottle of pills and I passed out, I woke up in the hospital. When Liberty find out I tried to kill myself, she broke up with me and said she was going to put the baby up for adoption. That broke me. And now let's get to the whole cutting problem. It started as an accident, I accidentally cut myself with scissors and it felt good, it was like a stress reliever. I thought it would be a one time thing, but I did it again and it turned into an addiction. Now it's the only thing that makes me feel good. And I can't stop." Tears were now streaming down my face, and I had rolled up my sleeve to show him. He's the first person I showed, and probably the only person I'm comfortable telling about this.

"JT...do you have more on your other arm? Your legs? Anywhere else?" He looks...sad. I guess I hurt him more than I realized.

"Just my arms and my legs." I answer, but I can't hide my breaking voice.

"I'm sorry Toby. I'm a horrible person and a horrible friend. You're always there for me and I'm just...I'm just a fuck up." He puts his arm around me in a comforting way. And I like it more than I should.

"JT. You're always there for me. Remember in 8th grade when I had an eating disorder? Remember after the shooting when you showed up at the funeral, despite the fact you hated Rick? I could name a million things you've done that is amazing. Because you're amazing, JT. You're an amazing person and an amazing friend. Everyone messes up sometimes, but you still deserve the world." And just like that, I feel my heart melt. I feel so close to him, closer than I've ever been. And I know what it is. This is things I haven't felt since...since I was with Liberty...

And of course, being the idiot I am, I lean forward and kiss him. And this feels so much better than any kiss I've ever had. His lips are soft and there's fireworks. But then I remember who it is I'm kissing. I'm kissing my fucking best friend, Toby Issacs. And I like it. Well, here's another problem to deal with.

Now, I like my best friend. But I can't like him, he'd hate me, and now he probably does. Why did I just now realize this?

Wait, he's kissing me back? No, no he's just doing this out of pity! Someone as great as him would never want someone like me! I don't deserve him!

I push him off and run away, and I know this is my house so obviously I'm not going to leave, and I don't have the heart to kick him out. He did nothing wrong, it was me who fucked up. Again.

So I just lock myself in the bathroom and start crying. Toby is knocking on the door, but I'm not moving. He's just gonna tell me how much he hates me.

"JT. We need to talk about what just happened." So you can tell me you hate me? Yeah, no.

"Go away!" I want him to stay.

"Come on. Please?" He begs, but I'm not giving in.

"Just leave me alone!" I yell louder than I want too.

"Fine." I hear him walk away, and start crying even more. I know I told him to leave, but I don't know what else to do.

My heart is so broken and I'm so lost.

I unlock the bathroom, knowing he most likely left. I know what I need to do. I run into my room and grab my blade out of my book bag, and roll up my sleeve again. And now it's time to do the same damn routine again.

I don't like doing this, but I need to feel something. I'm tired of feeling so numb. I've lost who I am. I've lost that nice, funny guy who everyone loved.

I'm shattered. I'm broken on the inside. And making me bleed is the only thing that makes me feel alive.

_Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding._

_

Fall into your sunlight.

The future's open wide, beyond believing.

To know why, hope dies.

Losing what was found, a world so hollow.

Suspended in a compromise.

The silence of this sound, is soon to follow.

Somehow, sundown.

_

_And finding answers._

_

Is forgetting all of the questions we called home.

Passing the graves of the unknown.

_

_As reason clouds my eyes, with splendor fading._

_

Illusions of the sunlight.

And a reflection of a lie, will keep me waiting.

With love gone, for so long.

_

_And this day's ending._

_

Is the proof of time killing, all the faith I know.

Knowing that faith, is all I hold.

_

_And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand._

_

Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love, without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on.

But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning.

Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart.

Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent.

All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain.

All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over.

There's a light, there's the sun, taking all shattered ones.

To the place we belong, and his love will conquer all.

_


	6. My Skin

**Chapter 6 - My Skin**

Toby's POV

What the hell just happened?

So first, JT told me everything that's happening to him, and I tried to hide how crushed and scared I was. I hate to see him like that.

Oh no, but that's not all.

He KISSED me.

Honestly, I've always thought about what it would be like to kiss him, but that doesn't mean I LIKE him, does it?

I mean, I did kiss back. Does he like me though? As weird as that is, it makes since. No, he probably just like the comfort.

After the kiss, he just ran into his bathroom and started crying and telling me to go away. So I pretended too when really I just stayed downstairs.

And now, he walked out of the bathroom, so I'm walking upstairs at the moment.

I don't know what happened, but we really do need to talk about it. Even if he doesn't want too.

And god, I can't believe he's cutting, no, he's hurting himself. He's got to have at least 20 cuts on his arms. I feel horrible. I have to TRY and help him. Maybe even get some some help from a therapist or something.

I slowly open the door, and I almost scream when I see JT. He's in there, cutting himself again! And because of the kiss?

I run over to him and take the blade out of his hand and throw it across the room. He looks at me and starts crying again, and I just wrap my arms around him.

"...why?" Is all I can manage to say.

"I thought you would hate me."

"JT, I wouldn't hate you even if you shot me or something! You're my best friend!"

"Yeah well what if I don't wanna be best friends anymore?"

What? He doesn't want to be friends anymore? Dammit, why? Did I do something wrong? No, he just doesn't want to bother me, but he never could.

"What?" I ask, shocked at how concerned I sound.

"Just go!" Don't tell me he wants me too?

"No. I'm not going anywhere JT." And before I can stop myself I lean up and kiss him. And yes, I'm short as hell so I have to lean up.

He wraps his arms around my neck and kisses back. I don't know for sure how I feel, but I think I want to be with him. I haven't EVER felt these feelings, and I think that means something.

JT's POV

How many times am I going to fuck up today? So first Toby finds out what I'm going, I tell him for sure, then I kiss him, then I tell him go away and then cut myself, and now he's kissing me?

It's undeniable now. I like him. Not because he's the only one who I can talk too, he's the only one who's not going to judge me at all. He's going to stay with me no matter what bullshit I do. He's an amazing person in general.

He breaks the kiss and puts his forehead against mine. He smiles at me and I smile back, despite the blush that is now on my face.

"I know you think you're alone. I know you think you have no purpose here. And I know you're hurting and you think you're worthless. But I'll tell you something. Youre never going to be alone as long as I'm here, and I'll be here forever. You do have a purpose, you're my best friend and so much more, and you do have a purpose because everyone does. And you're the most amazing person in the world. So please, I know it's not easy to stop, but you have to try. For me, please?" By now I'm already crying into his chest, and he's running his hand gently through my hair.

I feel better after telling him everything and what he just told me. Maybe I'm not so alone. I didn't want to be here anymore, and I don't believe I'm amazing, but maybe I'm not completely worthless. I didn't want to be...I didn't want to be me. I didn't understand how I was feeling but now I'm trying too. I want to try.

"Can you stay the night? I don't want to be alone." I whisper. What I do want is him.

"Of course." He hesitates before gently kissing my forehead and hugging me tighter.

"So...what are we now?" He asks, and I already know the answer before it leaves my mouth.

"You wanna...be my boyfriend or whatever?" I'm scared I'm going to get rejected, even though I know he feels the same. I feel like I bother everyone.

"Duh." He kisses me again, and after we break the kiss we just stand there, embracing. I'm not alone anymore.

I need this.

_Take a look at my body_

_

Look at my hands

There's so much here that I don't understand

Your face say these promises

Whispered like prayers

I don't need them

_

_Because I've been treated so wrong_

_

I've been treated so long

As if I'm becoming untouchable

Well content loves the silence

It thrives in the dark

With fine winding tendrils

That strangle the heart

They say that promises sweeten the blow

But I don't need them, no I don't need them

_

_I've been treated so wrong_

_

I've been treated so long

As if I'm becoming untouchable

I'm the slow dying flower

In the frost killing hour

Sweet turning sour and untouchable

_

_I'm the slow dying flower_

_

Frost killing hour

Sweet turning sour and untouchable

Do you remember the way that you touched me before

All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored

Your face saying promised whispered like prayers

I don't need them

_

_I need the darkness_

_

The sweetness

The sadness

The weakness

Oh, I need this

I need a lullaby

A kiss good night

Angel sweet love of my life

Oh, I need this

_

_Well is it dark enough_

_

Can you see me

Do you want me

Can you reach me

Oh, I'm leaving

_

_You better shut your mouth_

_

And hold your breath

And kiss me now

And catch your death

_

_Oh, I mean this_

_Oh, I mean this_


	7. Breathe Me

_JT's POV_

I don't understand what the hell is wrong with me.

Everything was going great. I have a boyfriend now, and as much of a shock as that is, I was happy. I thought I could just stop cutting if I'm happy. I thought Toby could make me stop.

But he can't. He makes me happy, but it's like I'm addicted. I can't stop.

I'm sure you're wondering, what happened now? Well the answer is absolutely nothing.

Things could be going completely fine and I still think back to the feeling.

It's night right now, and I'm laying in my bed with Toby next to me. We're not cuddling or anything, we're both laying on our backs and we're holding hands. He's asleep, but I'm staring up at the ceiling with a blank expression on my face.

I swear to god, I'm happy to be with him. I really am. I never thought I could like my best friend, but now that it happened I'm glad I'm with him. Of course I have my doubts, does he actually like me or is this just out of pity? Either way the urge won't go away and I hate it.

"JT?" Toby calls out. When did he wake up?

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay? You're kind of squeezing my hand pretty hard."

I didn't even realize it but I had his hand in a firm grip and I was squeezing it like it's a stress ball? Damn.

"I'm sorry. Did I wake you up? If so I'm sorry!" I realize I said I'm sorry twice but I probably annoyed him by this. I annoy everyone, it seems.

"No, it's okay. No need to apologize."

"Sorry." And I did it again. Ugh.

"Is there something you want to talk about? You know you can talk to me about anything."

"Really? I don't wanna bother you."

"JT, you're my best friend and my boyfriend. I promise you, you never bother me."

I'm not convinced. But that's not him, it's me. I guess I'll try.

"I'm just...I'm happy with you, I swear. I trust you. But I don't trust myself. I feel like I'll snap at any point and I'll end up cutting again. I'm sorry."

Toby leans over and gently kisses my forehead before cupping my cheek with one hand. It's so comforting, and I feel so guilty for even thinking about cutting right now. I swear to god there's something wrong with me.

"There's nothing wrong with you, okay?" Did he just read my mind? Jesus, he can really tell how I feel.

"I have no idea how this feels, but I can tell you that you're never alone in this. I'm gonna help you, okay? If you can get through tonight, we can try to make it through tomorrow. You can do this, you don't think you're strong but you are. Just stay right here with me, okay? Try to fall asleep."

I'm not strong. How does he still see me as a strong person, when I have to cut my own skin to feel good? But I guess, he's right. I'm still fighting. Strength is still fighting. This doesn't make me weak.

"Okay. Thanks for being here, Tobes."

"No problem at all. I'm always right here, okay? You never bother me."

"I just wish I never started this. It's so hard to stop. It's like an addiction."

"I somewhat understand. Like drugs, but different. Well, like drugs then this will be hard to quit. But I'll help you, okay? I'll do whatever you want."

What else is he going to say to make me fall for him even more? Why was I not with him in the first place? I wish my younger self would've realized I should've been with Toby. He's everything I want.

"I'm gonna try to go to sleep. Just being here with you is already making me feel a little better. Just having someone to talk too. Let's go to sleep."

Goodnight, JT."

"Goodnight." We reposition ourselves to where he has one arm around my waist and my head is buried into his chest. And it feels so right. I feel alive again, feeling him there next to me, his heart beating, and I'm breathing and that means I'm alive. He makes me feel something.

I don't think anyone else would listen or even try to understand this. Liberty would call this pathetic. None of my friends would understand.

I think I'm going to make it though tonight without cutting. And tomorrow, I'm going to walk into Degrassi holding Toby's hand. And I'm not going to be miserable.

I tell myself this but it's easier said than done.

_Help, I have done it again_

_

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

_

_Be my friend, hold me_

_

Wrap me up, enfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up and breathe me

_

_Ouch I have lost myself again_

_

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found

Yeah I think that I might break

Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

_


End file.
